Here at AgingParents.com we offer expert advice for those who have aging loved ones. Usually it’s the adult child who contacts us to set up an appointment. A woman called with this concern:

 “I’m worried about my mom’s driving” she said.
I asked her about what caused her worries. She said that her mom loved driving
a lot and drove to visit her from out of state several times a year. There was
an upcoming trip planned. “I’m just so anxious,” she said.

What’s getting you
anxious? I asked. Is mom confused? No. Any signs of what you think might be
dementia? No, not that. Please tell me what you think the problem is, I said.

“Well, she’s legally
blind” the daughter replied.

I had to contain
myself. I was thinking “What??? But I replied calmly.  We devised a plan.

I’d call this is a good
example of an adult child being fearful of confronting a parent about dangerous
driving. Obviously no one who is legally blind should be driving at all let
alone on interstate freeways! The source of concern for adult children of aging
parents could be vision problems as in this case, brain disease such as dementia
or any impairment that the person sees as unsafe for driving.  Typically families know what’s up. They feel
very uncomfortable talking about it and that’s the real problem.

Whatever the reason,
someone needs to step in and respectfully confront the older driver about the
dangers they present to both themselves and the public. Why hadn’t this
daughter asked or insisted that her mother stop driving? “She just loves to
drive” she tells me. That is no justification for placing everyone on the road
at risk from her mother.

blind
driving was from a five-step process described in detail in my book, The Family Guide to Aging Parents. In
brief, the first step is a one-on-one meeting. If step one is unsuccessful the
the adult child then brings in an ally for a two-on-one meeting. If the elder
still resists, as some will, a discussion with professional help can follow.
Finally, there is the “intervention” method, which requires a skilled person to
lead and all family to participate. As an extreme last resort, one can use
legal means to stop the elder.

Studies on aging
drivers asked respectfully to give up driving show that most people will do so
when asked. But there are still the stubborn ones out there who insist that
they are just fine driving anywhere while everyone around them knows they’re
not.

We discussed how to
approach the subject with her mother and words to use. That’s Step One in the 5
step approach we suggest in my book, The Family
Guide to Aging Parents. The next step was to
bring in an ally if step one didn’t go anywhere. The daughter had a sister and
their mom respected both of them. Step Two was to have the conversation with both
daughters present. They believed that would do it, but they had never tried
this.  If needed, they could move to Step
Three, which was to enlist the help of a professional, such as mom’s doctor, a
social worker friend or clergy person. Step Four was to get the help of a
professional with expertise in intervention, gather all the family and friends
willing to help and meet with mom as a group. As an extreme last resort, they
could consider Step Five, using the law to stop the dangerous driving.

This was a clear case
of a physical disability—blindness—that should have been an immediate trigger
for family action to get the keys and car out of mom’s possession. With advice,
they were willing to move forward.

The holiday season,
crowded roads and weather only increase the risks of driving. If you have any
doubts about your own aging loved one and driving, please do not take the “head
in the sand” approach of the daughter I spoke with in this case. She had been
ignoring the danger of her mother’s driving for far too long. We can all do
better than that in keeping our loved ones safe.

If
you or your family have a dangerous older driver in your midst, call for your appointment at
AgingParents.com today. We can help you strategize with the best approach and
you’ll be very relieved to solve this problem or other age-related aging parent
things that cause you distress

Carolyn Rosenblatt, RN, Attorney,
AgingParents.com