Wedding planning guides abound.  Visit nearly any supermarket checkstand to find publications showcasing flowers, venues, gowns, rings, music, catering, and every other detail imaginable.  Brides- and grooms-to be expect to plan every detail of their special day down to the buttons and cufflinks!  Everyone witnessing the union vows to support the happy couple in their journey together and off they go!

While no one expects or advocates for a fork in the road, practically speaking, we know it happens.  In the United States as many as 60% of first marriages end in divorce.  The percentage is even higher for second and third marriages.

As a Certified Divorce Lending Professional (CDLP™), I work with lots of homeowners experiencing divorce.  I frequently hear “I don’t even know where to start” or “I don’t really care – just make this end!”  Frustrated, emotional people have so many questions about child custody and visitation, financial matters, housing, domestic violence, employment concerns, insurance, estate plans … and the list goes on and on.

So, what’s the plan?

Many family lawyers have developed policies and procedures to guide clients through the legal process of divorce.

In this five-part series, I will use the word “divorce” to represent a breakup – whether the couple is same sex or opposite sex and whether the couple legally married or not.

While nearly all family lawyers I work with are dedicated, compassionate legal advisors, their job is to legally dissolve a marriage or dismantle a partnership such that future claims/suits are not worth pursuing. Use the family lawyer for the most important parts of his/her job and consult with others for the non-legal concerns.

This “plan stimulator” – while not comprehensive by any means – is designed to help the reader work on his or her own individual needs/goals, flesh out initial actions, and gather information.  In the fog of unmet expectations and hurt feelings, it is possible to build a framework for the future.

In my experience, these are the most common considerations in a divorce:

Emotional wellbeing: Yours

Children of the marriage

Financial

Additional

How to Get It Done

For each of these areas, the corresponding article will explore some typical concerns, open-ended suggestions, and service providers who specialize in this area.  Read on for the second area of concern, children of the marriage.

 

Part II – Children of the marriage

Any good parent tends to put the children’s needs ahead of his or her own.  When a couple shares children – and disagree on key points of childrearing – resentment, tempers, and frustration can spiral out of control.  Information on shielding kids from the harmful effects of divorce is plentiful.  Keep reading for the professionals who can provide it.

 

Signs of stress

When warring adults use kids as pawns or messengers, the kids can really suffer.  Work with your trusted advisors to come up with strategies for keeping the kids in their normal routines.  Allow children to voice their concerns and try to answer their questions in age-appropriate ways.  Many therapists have special training in divorce and its effects on kids – seek out this information and support where you live.  Sudden changes in behavior, school performance and self-treatment are signs kids may be struggling.  Be sure your child has at least one or two grown ups outside the family to lean on for healthy advice and constructive, low-stress activities.

 

Basic points

Whether you are the parent who intends to be the primary caregiver for the kids or not, there are a few basic questions to consider.

Where will the children live?  Is it important to keep them in their current home?

Is “standard visitation” a possibility?  Depending on which state grants the divorce, standard visitation may vary.  In a family where dangerous behavior is present – drug use, domestic abuse, or neglect – standard visitation may not apply.  Obviously if one parent is incarcerated, visitation might take place under observation.

Will you be paying or receiving child support and how will that be calculated?  Factors include where the kids will live most of the time (it’s reasonable to assume that household will bear greater financial burden), how much money each parent earns, and to some degree what “lifestyle” the kids enjoy.

If the children’s schooling requires tuition, how will it be paid/split?  This can be a major stressor if one parent has been at home and out of the workforce for a while.

What kind of extra-curricular activities are the kids involved in or likely to be involved in in the future?  No one knows the future but in my own case, one child switched from gymnastics to water polo – and the expenses for each are quite different.  I have seen scenarios where one parent funds an “activity account” for children and the other parent provides receipts to show how the money is spent.  In other situations, parents are asked to sit down monthly or annually to discuss and settle expenditures for the kids.

One of the most impactful technological advances related to divorce is the use of apps to keep track of all sorts of data.  Our Family Wizard, for example, controls communication with yes/no questions for each parent and timestamps all data.  Parents can share schedules, keep track of expenses, and stay “on plan” without having to meet in person or talk on the phone.  I wish that kind of accountability had been around years ago!  Writing a divorce decree is one thing … enforcing it might be another.  Having clear and concise records of behavior is critical when a custody arrangement has to be reevaluated down the road.

 

Future plans

What about provisions for college, trade school or future “enrichment” activities (summer camp, youth travel, etc.)?  If the kids are young when parents split, it can be hard to envision what kinds of things they might want to do as they grow.  Brainstorm ideas with your lawyer or divorce team and research potential costs.

If you and your spouse have started a 529 investment plan to pay for higher education, be sure to check whether the plan will allow for joint owners.  The ones my ex-husband and I started did not allow for joint ownership.  The 529 funds were awarded to him and he withdrew all the money before the kids were old enough to apply to college.

 

Medical

Most family lawyers have language about how the kids’ healthcare coverage will be addressed.  It’s important for the custodial parent to understand that medical “out-of-pocket” expenses can be debilitating – even in the best of health care plans.  Be sure you have a plan for how pricey medicine or unexpected testing will be treated.  Kids find amazing ways to injure themselves and there are many providers who don’t take insurance or only work with certain plans.  Orthodontics are generally included – and also important as many orthodontic treatments are not just to straighten a child’s teeth.

Medical becomes more complicated when a child has special needs or receives some form of subsidized healthcare.  If you think a child might have a future need for therapy, medication, or special schooling/care, it is imperative you get it “on the record.”  If a parent’s income must remain below a certain amount to qualify for existing benefits, the lawyer representing you must be aware of it!

 

Help exists

If all of this feels overwhelming, do know there are many types of professionals who can help.  Involve the school guidance counselor or school nurse.  Take advantage of any counseling or emotional support offered through your existing healthcare plan.  A quick internet search of professionals will turn up divorce coaches, family therapists, non-profit resource “clearing houses,” and charitable organizations in your area.  Radio shows and podcasts featuring divorce professionals don’t cost much (outside of a subscription if you stream content) … and major cities have divorce support groups that meet in person.

If you or your children are experiencing domestic abuse, contact a local shelter for instructions – leaving a violent partner is dangerous and violence prevention agencies have checklists for exiting the home with what you will need to travel somewhere safely.  You may be able to get a caseworker assigned to guide you through the steps.

Finally, if you think you are experiencing “post-separation abuse” or the other parent has accused you of “alienating” the kids, talk to a professional as soon as possible.  I have read some alarming stories on these concepts.  While it’s always a good idea to document as often as you can, if you are worried about violence or things seem to be escalating, bring in someone with child custody experience as soon as possible.

Brooke Benson, MA, CDLP, works with homeowners experiencing divorce and occasionally shares her personal experience with the subject matter.  This is Part II in a five-part series called “Plan for Divorce.”  Watch this space for Part III: Financial.  To receive a copy of Parts I, III, IV or V, contact Brooke at brookebensonlender@gmail.com